Here is a piece of music I wrote, that for me captures some of the emotion of what took place on this day 2001.

Short Story: I recently received a question from this comment I posted on Facebook.

Here is the comment:

Would you be willing to have a good time with that part of you that’s “not ok” today? To explore having a good time with your anxiety…..feeling unloved……not being enough…….being a failure….. rather than resisting, locking it out and ignoring it. You might be surprised at what you discover.

- Graeme Franks

The question was…”I’d like to hear more about having a good time with your anxiety”.

That’s a great question, I thought, and here is my answer.

 1) I can only have a good time when….

Often I discover that I’ve made an unconscious commitment that goes something like…..Graeme you can only have a good time and enjoy life when you’ve found a full roster of Coaching Clients and you are no longer worried about paying the bills.

My experience is that many of us make the same type of commitments.

• I can stop feeling anxious when my daughter comes in and I know she is safe.
• I can stop feeling anxious when I find another job.
• I can stop feeling anxious when I get my test results back.
• I can stop feeling anxious when__________

But of course life seems to throw all sorts of ups and downs, twists and turns at us all the time and so we never really get to have a good time.

My experience has been that there is a way to learn how to have a good time with all the muck of life while honoring our emotions and experience.

Making a new commitment to discover and explore ways to have a good time while being anxious is a first step. Often that’s a continual recommitment much like a plane continually  recommits to its course as it flies around storms and lightening but which gets to its destination eventually.

- Graeme Franks

2) That which we resist persists.

My experience has been the more I try and resist anxiety the more overwhelming it becomes and the longer it sticks around.

However when I welcome it much as an old friend and an important part of my life it seems to calm down.

I find that most of the time under the anxiety is a part of me who is running into the future trying to figure things out, gain control, and provide myself with security.

So really what I’m learning to have a good time with is uncertainty disguised as anxiety (that anxiety is so sneaky). Accepting that fact, and the emotion and letting it pass through my “house” much as a breeze would helps. As long as I have the windows open on both sides of the “house”, otherwise that emotion becomes trapped in the “house” and becomes musty, smelly and just keeps building up.

- Graeme Franks

When I don’t resist anxiety, it passes through my life and makes it possible to have a good time, while I’m in the midst of processing it. And who says I can’t have fun with it as it passes through my “house”?

The Sun and the Moon are going to show up everyday, my choice is whether I want to “dance” and enjoy them, either way they will be around. It’s the same with anxiety, it’s going to show up (in my case usually daily) so what am I going to do in response? I’m continually discovering, playing around with the idea of having a good time with it and other parts of me that are “Not OK”.

3) A fun way to play with emotions

One thing I’m discovering is when I feel anxious and it begins to feel like it’s really taking hold, I actually push into it more. I exaggerate it, quite literally.

Like…..Oh My Word this is terrible, this is not just bad this is worse than all the earth quakes we’ve had this year, this is going to be such a catastrophe that it’s going to be on CNN, people are going to write books about just how bad this situation is, there will be movies and songs, T-Shirts, people will hold parades in the streets…..etc, etc.

You get the idea and my very crazy imagination.

When I push into my emotion in this way I find that it’s not long before I start cracking myself up, literally.
I just can’t be that serious even if I try. This process actually frees me up from being stuck in the emotion and I begin actually having a good time with the emotion. Sounds crazy, but I’m telling you it works.

Now sometimes I’m just so committed to feeling anxious I’m not going to budge. I refuse to play it up. In those times I just appreciate myself for being very commitment to wanting to feel stuck. No judgement. Just acceptance. And when I do, guess what happens? I begin to feel unstuck and Mr anxiety begins to pass through the “house”.

So that’s what I mean by having a good time with that part of you that’s “Not Ok”. You can replace anxiety with any other part of you thats “Not Ok” and apply the same principles.

Happy Trails

Graeme

Next imagine the crucial conversation that you want to have, and imagine yourself speaking to the other person in those numbers.

How would you express those numbers? Would you be yelling them?

1! 2! 3! 4! 5!

6,7

8!, 9!, 10! 11! 12!

Or would you be speaking in quite supportive tones?

1,

2, 3, 4

5

6,7,8,8

10,

11,12!

Why is that important?

Because it’s not so much what you say [the content] as much as it’s about how you express it [the container].

Speaking in numbers BEFORE you actually have the conversation will help you figure this out.

Remember if I’m preaching measles but I have mumps what are you going to catch? Mumps!

It’s so easy to miss this.

People will always [because we communicate 70% of what we say with tone of voice and body language] pick up your true heart intention when you speak. There’s no hiding.

So you may as well be clear before you start about what your intention is, just in case you’ve lost sight of it.

If you’re heart intention is to really understand the other person and really want to try and find a solution that best honors both of you, I can almost guarantee the conversation will go well because the other person will pick up and react to the spirit of your heart’s intention.

However if you’re angry and you’re trying to speak in nice words, thinking you’re going to somehow cover that up, then….forget about it. The other person is going to react to your “container” not your “content”.

Speaking in numbers can help you see clearly what you’re trying to communicate. You can then “tailor” your approach to begin to get the results you desire.

Happy trails

Graeme

Have you ever tried to see your reflection in the mirror when you have it pushed against your face? You can’t because you’re too close to it. You need to create some distance first. Getting your complaint out let’s you create some distance. Distance that will help you see clearly what’s going on and yet honor the flow of emotions that need to pass through your system.

Yes you heard me right. COMPLAIN MORE!

But you need to complain in a certain way…..Naked! I’m kidding (though that might actually work).

The term Heather and I like to use is…..GET YOUR COMPLAINT OUT!

A lot of times in relationships we stop the faucet, the flow of communication because we only get our complaint half out.

It’s like trying to change the direction of a car while it’s spluttering along and backfiring all over the place. You gotta uncrimp that hose baby!

Remember conflict is usually the result of unexpressed feelings.

- Kathlyn Hendricks

So we find it pays to get those puppies out in the open.

Here’s how we do it….and what we’re learning.

When one of us gets irritated (at least once every 4 seconds, ok, at least once a day) we do our best to let the other person get their complaint out FULLY.

• The floor is theirs…
• The stage is theirs…
• The microphone is theirs…
• No interruptions…
• No judgements…
• Just a space to let those feelings flow…
• A silent witness so to speak…

IMPORTANT: I’m not saying that getting your complaint out means using your partner or friend as a punching bag or dumping ground.

- Graeme Franks

Our belief is that you can complain in a “friendly” manner but still be authentic and honest.

What’s important is that you get your complaint out FULLY (every last drop).

We find using the word…”and” is helpful, as in “And is there anything else? And tell me more!”

When we do that we notice the following things….

• The person complaining is able to see their situation more objectively, sanely and rationally. Have you ever tried to see your reflection in the mirror when you have it pushed against your face? You can’t because you’re too close to it. You need to create some distance first. Getting your complaint out let’s you create some distance. Distance that will help you see clearly what’s going on and yet honor the flow of emotions that need to pass through your system.
• We have discovered that unexpressed emotions just lead to more “deadness” in our relationship and in each other. We really notice the difference when we are able to FULLY express in a “friendly” manner what’s irritating us about life, each other and our 2 cats (though, come on, what could be irritating about cats!). We have more energy, vibrance creativity and aliveness.
• We have noticed that it works even when we do it alone! I have even used my hands as finger puppets to get my complaint our fully! I know it’s crazy but it actually works for me :)

So we invite you to “try this concept on” if you haven’t already and see what results you discover.

And make sure you appreciate yourself for having the courage to GET YOUR COMPLAINT OUT FULLY. When done in a respectful way it’s honoring, productive and life giving.

Happy Trails

Graeme

He who tells the best stories shapes the culture

- Erwin McManus

Let me ask you a question: How many little stories did you tell in the last week?

If you’re anything like me, probably tons of them.

Great stories = Great conversations = Great influence (maybe)

So what’s the secret to great story telling?

I came across this storytelling tip from Ira Glass (master storyteller)

“The power of the anecdote is so great that in a way, no matter how boring the material is, in story form, an anecdote has momentum in and of itself.

Okay, I’m going to think of the most boring possible story.

There’s a guy…
….and he wakes up.
And he’s lying in bed.
And the house is very quiet.
Just unearthly quiet.
So he sits up, and he puts his feet on the floor.
And he walks to the door
of his bedroom.
Again the house is very, very quiet.
He walks down the stairs, looks around….
It’s just unusually quiet

This is the most boring possible fact pattern. And yet, there’s suspense in it.
It feels like something’s going to happen.
The reason why is that it’s a sequence of events. He’s moving from space to space. You can feel, as one thing leads to the next…that you’re on a train that has a destination. That he’s going to find something.

The other thing about that little anecdote: It’s raising a question from the beginning. You want bait. You want to constantly be raising questions. In that little story, the bait is that the house is very quiet. So the question that’s hanging in the air is: Why?

And it’s implied that any question you raise, you’re going to answer.

You want to constantly be raising questions and answering them-from the beginning of the story. The whole shape of the story is that you’re throwing out questions, to keep people watching or listening, and then answering them

- Ira Glass
The New Writer’s Handbook

For the next few days I invite you to play around with how you tell stories that keep people watching and listening.

Have fun

Happy Trails

Graeme

• 1. When you want different results.

  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
  If you’re not getting the results you want then change your approach until you start getting the results you desire.
  I can help you get more of the results you want.

• 2. When your blind spots keep tripping you up!

  Have you ever lost something in your house and wished that all your walls were transparent so you could see everything and find what you were looking for?

  As a coach I can help you see everything in your “house” and act as a mirror to help you find those solutions your “blind spots” might be blocking.

• 3.When you keep experiencing the same problem over and over again

  Do you ever feel like you’re living “GroundHogs Day? It’s like you’re living the same situation, attracting the same type of relationship, over and over again. It’s frustrating and you can’t seem to figure out why! I can help you wake up and break free of any unconscious commitments that keep sabotaging your best efforts.

• 4.When you’re sick of struggling.

  Believe it or not you can step into the life you want without it always being a struggle! You can experience an “ease and flow” as if you’re “in step” with life instead of always pushing against it. I can help you do that.

• 5.When you want transformation and not just information.

  You don’t need more information! You need transformation and transformational practices. I have proven transformational practices that will dramatically increase your results and effectiveness.